a form of regret
by ncfan
Summary: He never saw her before. Spoilers for Second Arc. Kanon x Jessica.


This is set early in the second arc. It's kinda half-baked, I know; I was aiming for succinct but didn't quite end up with that. Also, I have to say, I really like _Umineko_ so far, even if I've only gotten through the second arc; not as much as _Higurashi,_ maybe, but it's still really good, and just as gory as _Higurashi,_ which is always a plus. Also, has anyone else reading the _Umineko _manga scans noticed just how skewed the use of honorifics are? That could just be the work of different scanlators, but it's interesting. And the Doc Manager is pressing everything in italics together... again. Blast. I may be a while.

I own nothing.

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><p>In the entirety of his existence, Kanon has only ever been presented with one truth, one truth that he knows to be absolute. This is the truth that has been ingrained into him since he has been able to comprehend the words of the ones who raised him from infancy. It is this truth that sustains him through the long hours, the thankless work, and the strange, half-baked feelings he gets in the middle of the night.<p>

The feeling that something's missing somehow. That's what Kanon feels in the middle of the night, when sleep escapes him. Everything should be fine, but he still feels angry, still has anger screaming beneath his skin, demanding release.

Truth sedates him, of course. Kanon is not of the same level as the ones he serves; to the Ushiromiya, he is roughly as important as the furniture they sit on, maybe less. Kanon's place is to be the furniture, something that supports the rulers of the house without giving voice to his wants.

_There __is __nothing __to __change __my __reality, _he tells himself, walking down stuffy halls filled with hot, golden sunlight and still feeling as though a touch of winter has pierced his bones. Kanon keeps his stony, submissive face up in the company of all but his sister, who it is safe to express emotion around, with those simple words.

(_He __cries __in __front __of __Shannon __because __he __knows __that __from__ her, __he __will __never__ hear __reprisal, __and __she __does __the __same._

"_But why?"_

_It __can __be __said __by __either __of __them __in __the __midst __of __weeping, __railing __against __their __fates __despite __themselves. __In __the __grip __of __despair, __sometimes __they __forget __that __they __are __furniture __and __that __furniture __can __not __shed __tears __nor __want __something __better._

_Given __time __both __siblings __recover __their __dignity, __wipe __their __eyes __and __go __back __to __their __business, __and __they __say __nothing __about __it __to __each__ other __afterwards._)

It's useless, and knowing nothing else, Kanon can not imagine any existence other than what he has. He can not even imagine calling his existence "life". Furniture can not live.

_That I even breathe is a malfunction._

Shannon is a fool, as is young George-sama. The latter for mistaking furniture for a human being, and the former for mistaking herself for a human being, and for consorting with Beatrice. Kanon looks at her starry eyes and his bashful smile, and he shakes his head in despair for his foolish sister. It will never end the way Shannon thinks it will. Even if George is serious about wanting to marry her, Shannon is the housemaid; she is beneath him, Eva-sama will never allow it to pass, and if she did, there would still be Beatrice to worry about. Kanon doesn't trust Beatrice; he knows her presence in their lives to be a blight on them, knows just from that smile that she revels in suffering. She will find a way to make this all go wrong, even if everything else goes right.

(_And__ when __Kanon __strips __away__ those __excuses __and__ looks __at __what __of __himself __lies __beneath, __there __is __only __jealousy __and __envy._

_He is jealous because another man threatens to steal his sister's attentions away from him. He is envious because Shannon has discovered something Kanon can not pretend to comprehend._

_She __should __not __be __able __to __feel __these __things, __and __Kanon __comes __as__ close __as __he __ever __has __to __hating __her __for __it._)

After the trip to Okinawa with George, Shannon starts spouting nonsense when Kanon is alone with her. He does not pretend to understand what sort of transformation has overcome her in the time since she was away. Kanon does not pretend to understand how Shannon deluded herself into believing that she is actually a human being, though he suspects George had something to do with it. She even thinks the sea is _blue_; her _eyes _have even been damaged by her fantasies.

(_Kanon __stares __out __at __the __sea, __eyes __narrowed __against __the __wind __and __the __spray __splattering __on __his __face __and __collar. _It's gray, _he __tells __himself. _The sea is gray. I don't understand how she could see anything else.

_Her eyes were so bright, so happy._

_He__ remembers __his __sister__'__s __happiness, __her __so __simple, __wistful __happiness, __and __for __a __moment, __even __grounded __in __reality __as __he __is, __he __wishes __that __he __could __see __that __endless__ blue __sea __Shannon __described, __melting __into __the __sky._)

The lines between human beings and furniture should never, _ever_ be blurred, but they have been, and in the ensuing confusion, Kanon finds himself with a problem far closer to his body than that of Shannon and George Ushiromiya-sama.

Jessica-ojou-sama.

_The __girl __with __sun-gold __curls __runs __past, __laughing __and __long __tendrils __of soft __blonde __hair __escaping __from__ her __ponytail,__ knowing __it__'__s __safe __to __run__ because __her __parents __can__'__t __see. _It's hard to believe she's so frail, _Kanon__ thinks __to __himself, _collapsing at least once a week with her asthma.

_Though he doesn't realize it, his eyes linger on her longer than what the courtesy of furniture allows._

Jessica-ojou-sama is at Rokkenjima more often than the others of her generation, though her visits are still somewhat infrequent. A bit spoiled, a bit petulant when in a bad mood, but with a good heart and charm enough to make up for it. She chafes under Madam's ideas of what her behavior should be, finds that she does not fit the mould of what her mother wants her to be. She's not the type of daughter Natsuhi Ushiromiya-sama considers suitable to be her father's heir, and only tries to be because, at the root of everything, Jessica-ojou-sama is a child who wants to make her parents happy.

_If__ you __want __to __make __them__ happy, __ojou-sama_, Kanon thinks grimly when he becomes aware of her eyes again, _this __is __not __the __way __to __go __about __it._

Passionate and foolish, Jessica-ojou-sama turns out to make the same mistake as her cousin. Both are deceived by their eyes and mistake the furniture for something that can live and breathe. Kanon does not know what to say to her to make the scales fall from her eyes, and even if he did, he would not be able to give voice to his words. It is not Kanon's place to tell ojou-sama what she must or must not do; he can not dictate her thoughts or actions, no matter how much he wishes he could, not even if it would be for her own good.

She is the caged bird of the Ushiromiya, unwilling to accept her place, and he is the furniture who gives her medicine when she falls ill, wishing that the world that has gone mad around him would just fall back into its normal place.

And still, she sneaks glances at him.

_I wish you would stop looking at me like that._

Jessica-ojou-sama is flustered and even apologetic as she asks the favor of him, to go back with her to the mainland and pretend to be her "boyfriend" for the benefit of maintaining a façade put up against her classmates. Kanon does not do this gladly, but he does do it. He is to obey the order of any member of the Ushiromiya family, no matter how frivolous or ridiculous. A human being has that right and power over him.

Kanon is furniture, to keep the house standing and uphold the honor of the Ushiromiya at all costs, including his own life. Never before has he wished it otherwise, because he has no basis to make that wish.

Then, he sees her. _Really_ sees her.

A girl dressed in a frilly dress, lace-up calf-high boots and a floppy witch's hat. The sterile light makes her glossy blonde curls glow. Her voice echoes through the cavernous room, through the enthusiastically screaming crowd, and Kanon comes to a stunning realization. Jessica-ojou-sama can _sing. _Sing, and sing well.

The crowd goes wild with every word out of her mouth, swaying in time to the music, transfixed by the siren on stage. Kanon hates crowds, hates loud, cramped, sweaty places. He's dizzy, he just wants to go home, but when he looks at her, he can't tear his eyes away.

This is not the sheltered Jessica Ushiromiya-ojou-sama he has known, and Kanon looks at her for the first time with opened eyes, and wonders how he could have ever thought the sheltered girl he knew before was the reality. _I__ really __don__'__t __know __anything __about __her, _Kanon realizes, bowing his head, finally manages to rip his eyes away from her smiling form.

_I knew nothing about her. I knew nothing about her and made judgments anyway._

He looks at her again, and understands what Shannon meant about the sea being blue, and not gray. Kanon looks at her and sees Jessica for the first time, not ojou-sama. A wild-haired, laughing, smiling girl, holding a guitar, singing like an angel, showering open, ingenuous smiles completely lacking in artifice on everyone she sees.

_I can see her. It was not her eyes blinded. It was mine._

And he wishes he was human, so he could stand in the same light as her, see the same things (_see __what __he __knows __she __sees __in__ him_), and know the same joy.


End file.
